A lot of people ask me about the future of women. I see women as equaling men and not having to prove themselves nearly as much. I want people to see that women can be what they want to be. You can be a good mom, have a family, and a job. It’s hard but you can do it. I want to be remembered as being humble, caring, helpful, loving, patient, and a hard worker. I don’t see myself as a trailblazer or a hero. I see myself as one person trying to do a good job and maybe making a difference in someone’s life.
And with that I bid you adieu. Forgive me, but I don't really know how to say goodbye. I’d like to thank all of you for reading my blog. As I look back on my career in law enforcement this experience will be one that I will never forget. Thank you for all of your positive comments and support. I look forward to not arresting any of you in the future, but should you mess with the law or my family you may just have to deal with….Officer Dubina.
The wedding was great; like a storybook wedding. However, it was my son’s so I’m not exactly impartial. At the service I did manage to control myself but there were some tears, but they weren’t all from me. For perhaps the first time in 28 years, I comforted my husband as he got emotional. I had lost my oldest son, but at least I gained a daughter.
Today I flew home and again felt empty inside. I felt teary eyed at the airport. I kept thinking that only a few short days ago we had flown into this city as a family, and now we’re going home with one less member. Once we landed, I decided to go work. I knew jumping right back into work would take my mind off the emotional stress I was feeling. My 16-year-old son wanted to join me. I could tell he was feeling a sense of loss as well. So we spent the day at the range where I taught him everything I knew about firearms. I suppose it wasn’t your average mother-son bonding experience, but then a sobbing old coot isn’t your average cop at a wedding either.
My son is getting married soon. The wedding and the preparation leading up to it has been very emotional for me. I never thought it would hit me this hard, and I cry a lot as a result. At work it’s been busy so I haven’t had a lot of chances to think about it, but when I do I get teary eyed. He moved out last month, so I figured the wedding part should be a piece of cake but it hasn’t.
I guess it’s that as I look back, I see how fast the years flew by. I wonder now what I could have done different or what would I change. I asked him and he said there wasn’t anything but I still have this feeling that there was. I know he would have liked home cooked meals. He will finally get that wish because this girl is a renaissance lady. She can sew, cook, and iron. I used to cook years ago, but now I just don’t seem to find the time or the energy. I hope they know how much they mean to me, I love them and would do anything for them.
I did the marathon. I woke up early before my alarm not because I was anxious, but because my nephew (17 years old) was throwing up. I went to check on him and he said he thought he had the flu. By the time I finished getting dressed he was already back to sleep and I was grateful because I didn’t want to leave if he was still puking.
I too had an upset stomach but I figured it was nerves. I felt really good for the first fifteen miles and was right on track for my goal to finish 4:30 or 5:00 hours. After that my upper thighs started to get muscle cramps though. I’d never had them before so I really didn’t know what to do. Other runners encouraged me to finish, so I did. It was the hardest thing I think I have ever done in my life both mentally and physically. I made it in 5:20, not a great time but I finished and I will never do another marathon again. I did it all by myself.
I have never witnessed a family member break the law however I have had several members break the law and found out about through work. I won’t go into a lot of details but officers have contacted me after making the arrest. It’s devastating to say the least. They try to use my name to get them out of it, and then behave like jackasses. The worst part is that I have to hear about it through co-workers. The relatives don’t have the guts to tell me themselves. I know I’ve had a screw up; haven’t we all. It’s just that I try to live life as I was taught; admit when you make a mistake, and take what you deserve. I’ve pressed that motto onto my kids. I deal with it to this day.
This weekend is the marathon and I’m really afraid. I fear failure and that is something I usually don’t tell myself is going to happen. I’m a positive person and strive for the best. I’ve been training but not exactly as the calendar suggests because of lack of time and dedication. I’ve fallen twice, bruised both knees, and had other aches and pains. I have thought about quitting, but I am not a quitter plus I already paid $100.00 to run. So this Sunday I will run and probably do one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. 26.2 miles. It’s kind of mind blowing when you think about it. I do a lot of things for others, but this run is for me and me only. I will complete this marathon before I am 50. I will complete this marathon this weekend.
I am attending a basic criminal analyst class. I have no idea what I am doing so I’m glad it is a basic class. My boss heard about the class and decided to send me to see if the unit should take it. It’s very interesting, but we are learning to use crime statistics in graphs, matrix, flowcharts, etc. It’s just like high school math all over again, and just like high school math, it’s all foreign to me. Somehow we’re supposed to catch the bad guys by making graphs of previous time they’ve been places, and approximating that into future appearances. Now I am trying to put this all together, but it is not easy. Luckily there are others who are just as lost as I am. The worst thing was that the class made me late for a sniper shoot, not that I had all the much time to devote to the shoot. I still had to go home and do homework (make three graphs). When does study hall start?
Today was the day for the large, multi-agency Weapons of Mass destruction drill. I went in at 7:00 even though the drill starts at 2:00 pm. There were a lot of things I needed to set up such as tables, chairs, protective suits. You know, the usual. Luckily it didn’t rain. My job at the exercise was to help facilitate the drill by helping with the actors, answering questions, and making sure all terrorist activities took place on time. There were a total of about 15 events. Too many in my opinion, but no one asked me.
I felt like I ran around all night and never got anything done. My feet hurt and I was totally exhausted. My boss felt like throwing up though, so things could have been worse I guess. I can’t believe we do this every year. What are we thinking? I drove home and almost fell asleep walking in the door. However that sleep would have to wait as my youngest son was waiting for me. He waited up so he could chat. I missed his soccer game. I spent so much time preparing for the drill that I neglected my family. We talked and I promised to make it to his next game. I haven’t made it to a game yet this year.
Today we started the day off very early (5:30 am) with search warrants. You should probably know that warrants are in no way investigations. When we’re on a warrant, it’s our job to secure the house for the drug enforcement officers so they can search it and do investigations. The first warrant went pretty quick, only one male inside and a lot of marijuana. The second warrant was a real SOS call. Straight out of Springer. The house was loaded with a wide array of difficult people. The search first led me to a female (late twenties) sleeping in a bed with her two sons (ages 8 and 9). Next was another female only 16 years old in bed with a small baby (6-9 months old) and a male (owner of the house). The male was 36 years old, the husband of the female found in the other bedroom, and the father of the baby. The sixteen year old girl was his girlfriend living in the same house and sleeping in the bed with him. It took us awhile but we finally got it all straight. The only thing we can guess is that the wife didn’t want to lose everything she had by leaving or getting a divorce. It was creepy nonetheless, and I was glad that the investigation was not my responsibility.
I like the outdoors and love living in Arizona for that reason. If you haven’t been here I encourage everyone to visit. Our weather permits us to do anything we want outside. Yes it is hot in the summer but its dry heat. What really separates Arizona though is the scenery. The desert is beautiful with all the cacti. Mountains surround Phoenix and you can see them from almost every direction. We have numerous trails which allow you to really commune with the beauty of the desert. A lot of people use these trails on a daily basis but I wonder how many think about the beauty of what’s around them. I don’t see myself ever moving from this area. Ok so I didn’t talk about being a cop, a mom, or woman, but damn do I love Arizona